I have never been a “halfway” kind of person. Do I view my glass as half-full or half-empty? 100% full or 100% empty has always been my favored way of thinking, as distorted as that can seem, to the uninitiated. It's yes or no, never maybe.
I love that verse from John 10:10, when Jesus claims… “I have come that they may have life and have it to the FULL” (emphasis mine)… Well, that’s what I want to do, live it to the full extent possible.
Sparingly? Sparsely? The afore-mentioned are adjectives I don’t often identify with the way I live: Am I right? Wrong? Who’s to say? What I know is that I am aware of my passionate sense of life and am also conscious that I need to protect myself… from myself. I'm addicted to the Full-Life principle and want nothing less! Do you think i was born for a "little life"? Moi? La Petite Vie ~ not for me!
Is that safe, you ask? Well, i have found a way to work on that problem of mine. I need a Little "S" 12-Step Program (no Peanut Gallery, that's not a Country and Western dance lesson).
From my readings, Twelve Step meetings are not for the faint of heart! Do you think it's easy to put yourself out there, naked, problems in full view of anyone? How I wish that I could stand up at such a meeting, and state to all present:
" YES, my name is Little "S"and i am a mess! (Hey! that rhymes!) I don't know if i'm coming or going but as long as i've looked like i knew what i was doing, i've had you fooled. Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm just as human and broken as you are because, by the way, i am not in control. " Cough. Choke. Gasp!!!
I need something that realigns me back in a place of normal human deficiency, and that helps me go on with more than just a black or white attitude. Being middle-of-the-road is not necessarily considered wishy-washy. It should also teach me a balance which I sadly (?) lack and show me I am not the only one who needs reminders of the health hazards of living this full way and the tremendous benefits of not constantly jumping on and off the wagon
; broken ankles are the least of my worries! Wagons can have so many different shapes; some are likely to be very well hidden:
Drinking excessively whether it’s Starbucks coffee, Coca-Cola or rye & ginger ale! Can't function without watching the news, on every channel, 3 times a day, under the guise of wanting to be in touch? Day totally ruined when someone gets to the crossword puzzle before you at coffee break? Eat, read or sleep too much? Organizing my week to fit around my life-choices and absolutely devastated if something goes awry? Am i still in charge? Is the bull running the cart or is it the other way around?
Obviously, the answers to these questions are going to be different for each one of us. However, what I mostly appreciate about the 12-Step family mentality is that it is not wrong to acknowledge our weaknesses because once we get to that point, we are able to not only see that we are not alone in our excesses but also see that we can be realists and truly intend to roll up our sleeves and get to work at becoming the people we will value even more than we already do. I love AA's motto of : " Progress, not Perfection."
I have learned that one of the most important Commandments is to “…love your neighbor as yourself..”. Well, if I don’t love myself enough to want to be the best I can be, what does that look like for my neighbor?
What am I addicted to that is dragging me down?
Is it a monster that has taken life of it's own?
Something to ponder on, anyways, in these days of excessive seasonal partying opportunities; will i make it.... or blow myself up? Maybe living to the full just reminds me not to settle for the crumbs dropped under the table; maybe it's about not being afraid of loving to the max, with no regrets. And maybe it's just a state of being, a spirit fully satiated because i'm becoming the best that i can be, the person i am meant to be!
Signing off... and walking the line, today anyway :)
